Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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