I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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