I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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