My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i already hear my dad disowning me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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