Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
