the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
