I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
