And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
