I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I believe in your delicious
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
