Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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