I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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