Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
