PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
