Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
