You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
