Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The air was thick with penises
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
