good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You ruined the universe
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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