I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
