dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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