Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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