He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
