Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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