dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
