dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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