I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
