I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
