I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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