Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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