Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
