Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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