Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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