Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
