in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My balls are so social today.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
