I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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