I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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