so that wasnt chicken after all
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
