She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have aggressive nipples.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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