Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
