Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
