thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
