Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
