I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We're too hungover to prance.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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