In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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