Quick, to the slutcave!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
