When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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