So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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