Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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