In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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