he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
