Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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