Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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