So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am naked and annoyed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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