buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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