I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
