Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
